A Phish-Head looks at 40
By Chris Bertolet, Phish.net & Mockingbird Foundation
One of Phish’s biggest phans comments on the announced reunion.
The first time I saw Phish, I was 26. I was a graduate student without a pot to piss in or the sense to care. I had no career, no relationship, and no lease. Life was a blank canvas.
Then Phish appeared, and went Salvador Dali on my ass.
For ten years, Phish followed me around everywhere. They were there when I got married. They were there when my career took off, and they were there when it crashed and burned.
They were considerate enough to take a break from touring so my wife could have a baby.
Then they were gone.
Weird things happen when somebody presses “stop” on the soundtrack to your life. You find new distractions to fill the spaces between, whether it’s new bands, destination weddings, or online poker. But Phish’s breakup left certain spaces that could not be filled.
Phish traded in telepathy. I’m talking about a connection forged from an unspoken agreement between the band and its fans to shut our mouths, open our minds, and discover uncharted conversational atolls amid a pulsing sea of notes, rhythm and energy. On a so-so evening with Phish, the endeavor rewarded us with beautiful memories. On a sterling evening with Phish, time stopped, and all you ever needed was right there, and right then, in that suspended moment.
Now Phish is reuniting, and the taste is bittersweet. The joy is bridled with apprehension. What will happen? Will it be like it was when we were younger?
I hope not. Brother, you can have 1994. My sincerest wish for Phish is to come back in 2009 and paint on a blank canvas once again – and to consider fans’ expectations only so they can invent new ways to shatter them.
That, and a “Halley’s Comet.” A little nostalgia never killed anybody.
Chris Bertolet is a Director for The Mockingbird Foundation, a non-profit organization of Phish fans that has donated more than $1/2 million to music education charities nationwide. You can donate to The Mockingbird Foundation here: http://www.mockingbirdfoundation.org/donations/.
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Amen.
I carbon date my twenties and early thirties to shows I saw. I got engaged at the start of tour in Iowa City, only to break it off a few years later before a NYE show at the Boston Garden. I can’t hear my local NPR station say “Glens Falls, NY” without thinking about the one show I got shut out of, that infamous Halloween where the band came as the White Album. Not to make the total evening a waste, I ended up writing about the parking lot scene for a graduate course in Women’s Studies at Radcliffe.
I’ve grown up so much since my last show, completely missed the shows during the last reunion tour, and am ready to go back. I don’t want to see the shows of my youth either, I want to feel the best of me now reflected in the lyrics and melodies.
Welcome back boys, welcome back.
I’m looking forward to taking my 4 year old son to an outdoor show. He loves Phish; Lizards is his favorite song, but he knows lots. My wife and I had many great times at Phish shows together before he was born, and to be able to experience that again but with him present, as fun as he is at normal concerts - man, that’s really going to be something.
I’m a diehard cynic and anti-nostalgia campaigner but I just have a really good feeling about this next phase. Can’t say why. But I just think they’ll practice a lot, come out tight, play with energy, and keep the fans in mind. I should be dreading it, really, as I did after the first hiatus; and that dread was justified, I thought, by the overall poor performance quality from the era. It seemed like they were becoming more and more self indulgent (musically and otherwise) in a desperate attempt to stay interested in what they were doing. I get the feeling they wouldn’t do it this time if they weren’t in it to win it - that they will come at it from the right angle and with appreciation for all the love and energy we give them and the incredible moments we create together. If they do that, the sky’s the limit.
Plus we just saw Mike and he frakkin’ KILLED it. Really whets the appetite.
Go phish! Gorge Summer 09! (hint: actually September is the best time ;o)
I LOVE the “life’s milestones juxtaposed against a Phish timeline.”
My girlfriend’s and mine first show together: Vernon Downs, ‘98.
Our last [Phish] show: SPAC ‘04 (Daddy day).
Our wedding (2006) song: Waste.
Expected birth of child numero uno - March 16th……….to be continued
PS - Saw Mike & Phriends in Buffalo at the Square…oh yeah, they killed!
I agree about treading lightly on nostalgia. My wife and I were on our honeymoon in Ireland when we heard the announcement about Hampton! We were both longtime phans before the hiatus, but I was the only one who ritually attended shows. I say “ritually” because, at least in my circle of friends, seeing Phish in concert was something almost sacred to us. We connected there and recharged for the coming year of class or work or whatever life presented that year as we all go older. As I said, my wife and I heard about the reunion while in Ireland. It was fitting since one of our first “dates” involved me convincing her to come along with my brother and me to see Phish’s 3-night run in Vegas in ‘04. Fast-forward almost 5 years, and she and I were dancing our first dance to “Waste” on 9/27. I wonder if the boys were aware of the instant wedding theme song they were recording back in ‘96 with this one?! We are already planning our time off for 2009 around the band’s potential summer/fall touring. In the meantime, we’ll see you all in Hampton!!! I just hope this reunion sticks for many years to come…I want my kids to experience this, too. BTW, we agree about the Mike solo shows this year…INCREDIBLE!! We caught the Beachland show in Cleveland…anyone have a copy??
Funny… How we all “grew up.” Spouses, kids, jobs, careers, etc. Keeping the “shows attended” totals on the down low…
My wife and I got married ten years ago, and when we wrote our vows, we (or I should say she, really…) wrote in all sorts of subtle Phish lyrics references. It was such an important part of our lives.
It seems just like everyone else, we had a kid and worked out our careers… Well… kind of… Still trying to stick it to “the man” … or something.
Now we are expecting our second. My wife will be 7mo pregnant at the beginning of March… Part of me hopes for the tickets, and part of me doesn’t. I desperately want to see them come back, be there when the first notes of the first song (Golgi? “I saw you with a ticket stub in your hand”) hit, but the other part of me does not want to see it happen without my partner. We’ve seen dozens and dozens of shows together… This one without her feels kinda wrong… I just don’t think I’ll enjoy it as much.
You can flame me now about my whining now… I deserve it.
To avoid leaving 20 paragraphs of self-indulgent ramblings about how great Phish was and how much they meant to me, I’m simply going to leave some kudos to Chris.
I got goosebumps when I read this essay. Many of us can relate to the feeling that Phish is the soundtrack of our teens, 20’s and even 30’s. They were kind enough to go on hiatus so many of us could get married, have kids, etc. That line in the essay was priceless.
I’m looking forward to the 2009 Summer tour.
Very well written essay. I agree, there was a time when phish best described my way of being. Coventry was a real downer, and how it all went down, I admit I was bitter for some time. I just hope they keep the music and as Chris describes, “the telepathy” in the forefront. No one knows what the future holds but I have faith that the music will overcome.
Beautifully written, Chris. I would expect nothing less.
I was 40 when I fell in love with Phish in ‘95. “grew up” to Phish does not apply to me, but I too wonder how this new chapter will play out. I’ve gone through changes in these past few years, but not like so many have, mostly been working my job and listening to Phish (but not only Phish), still slightly hurt that after 3 days on the interstate Coventry didn’t happen for me. My goal of 50 shows at 50 was not to be. But maybe I’ll get to 54 at 54.
Maybe I should write something about how it has been different for me.
Maybe not.
All that matters really is that its nice to have Phish to look forward to again.
I remember seeing Phish with Santana in 92′ at SPAC. I was a freshman in high school and was just absolutely blown away. Many shows and missed classes later I completed what i thought was the end of my journey at SPAC in 2004. I tried to stay interested in the jam scene (moe., soulive, tea leaf green) but all I really wanted was more phish. I found myself going to shows and constantly compared them to Phish. Now we have more phish. Problem solved.
Chris said it best. Phish has a common thread in all of us, even though phish means different things to different people. I’ve tried to look ahead instead of behind, but that is what you do in order to learn and grow. As each new year passes faster than the last, I’ve been married for 12 years, have a 7yr old son and 3 dogs, yet still find connections with phish, the shows, and the music every single day. I’m lucky to live here in hampton and am blessed to feel such JOY for what awaits us here. When I see my son playing air guitar and singing “wolfman’s” with a huge smile, how can I not feel more alive???
I found out today, I GOT TICKETS FOR ALL THREE SHOWS!!!!
> I just have a really good feeling about this next phase. Can’t say why.
Amen. I have the exact same feeling. Again.
I trust this band–but more importantly I trust myself. As I have gotten older that self trust has become more and more important–likely what growing up is all about.
Even if this “reunion” ends in a Meatstick rather then a Halley’s I am sure that I will learn some things about life that I would not have learned any other way. thanks, david s
First show was Viking night at the Library(a bar) in Richmond, around ‘90(?)
5bucks to get in, bring your own 32oz or under cup and have it filled over and over. Thank god Shapiro got me a copy b/c I don’t remember a thing!! lesson learned, I only drink after encore now!!!
Can’t wait, Hampton is my hometown.
Alissa
Without Phish, I’d live in a completely different parallel universe. The Great Went was probably the single most awesome concert experience ever. The best thing about them is that they ushered in a lot of other music for me. I eventually fell in love with another jam band, Umphrey’s McGee, from Chicago. The communities around these bands are the creamy center in my twinkie.
This essay and these comments from people who have a history with following Phish expressing excitement are awesome to read. A lot of people have mixed feelings about this. After the Coventry debacle, it’s no big surprise that there are people who fell off never to get back on. Coventry was such a clusterfuck and the music left a really bad taste.
Personally, I have zero interest in traveling very far to see them, but I will probs hit the movie theaters for Hampton and maybe a summer show here in the Midwest. I hope they bust it all out.
Ahhhh Chris… as always, you say it well, but you have always had a way with words. Without Phish, I would not know you and so many others. The friendships I developed thru Phish are closer than most people can conceive. Perhaps it is in the shared communion during shows. Non-phish phans do not understand my sentiment of comparing a phish show with church, yet for me, that is what it is. Never have I ever felt so close to a spiritual experience as those at a live show.
Phish timelines. Oh.. how I could go expand on that. From rmp to shows to gatherings to the commitment of The Mockingbird Foundation to life-long phriends and phamily.
As I age, so does Phish. Page, Mike, Jon and Trey are from the same era as I and I feel as if we get older together. Do we mature? Do we become ‘adults’? I am not sure, but know that without the beauty of Phish in my life, I would be a black and white canvas, devoid of the colors Phish has given to me.
Chris, you couldn’t have put it better! Although I’m only 32, I also grew up with Phish. The first hiatus brought me through my marriage, getting a teaching job, and buying a house. This most recent time has brought my a beautiful little boy.
They were and still are the soundtrack of my life. I found quite a few Phish tracks (from Billy Breathes mostly) on my birthing play list!
Although I don’t hold tickets to Hampton, it’s OK! My soundtrack is back. I’m hoping for amazing things..for my mind to be blown..but if it’s not…that’s OK too..Phish is just a way of life
Good to see an old familiar face in the hysteria that is Phish 2.0 (and a few familiar faces in the comments!)
Well then, it is with great delight I type these comments, allbeit with slight apprehension as well. I went to Trey’s Albany show this past saturday. The show was by all means not a mind blower, but a reminder of all the times my mind was blown by Trey. Trey had a meeting before the show, you know the ones?!?! the ones where one is reminded not to stray on that path that led you to ruin or otherwise; cops in whitehall pulling you over thus leaving you with no other choice but to get help. Which leaves me to hope that this reunion isn’t coming too early in Trey’s rehabilitation. I hope that backstage is no longer a place where drugs are constantly offered up in hopes that “Trey will think I’m cool and we can become friends”. Because if he’s not truly ready to do this Phish thing again without the hard drugs, shit, even the fundamentals, then this reunion thing will be over as quickly as it will have started. I wish you a content life Trey where you don’t have to chase that buzz in order to enjoy or numb your life. Thats not life, thats addiction. I want to hear how you and the band’s music has evolved and hopefully my appreciation will evolve with you guys.
My response is about Trey staying clean amidst the Phish (new versus old) scene.
I believe Trey’s last hiatus and return was about drug abuse. It will be interesting to see how he plays out this new attempt to reconstitute Phish. I was thinking, perhaps Phish should just invest in appealing to a new type of fan, say Christian rockers or something. Spell the name with an “F” instead of “Ph” and sing about love and redemption and sobriety. ‘Cause God knows, in the Phish scene of old, sobriety is an up-hill battle.
Ben really resonated with me because I, too, was at Saturday night’s Trey show, listening to Trey greet his new friends from the Albany area and I SERIOUSLY wondered if they were all AA friends because I got a SERIOUS telepathic vibe that smoking pot was not ok. And you know what?
My husband and I, too, have a family, a real life and do not do drugs at home ever. When a show comes around, though, we like to smoke a little pot and enjoy our night out with a slight buzz. Is that going to be alright in the new and improved Phish scene? Maybe it shouldn’t be. I’m not judging. I’m just saying it didn’t seem alright in Albany and maybe it’s not alright for Trey….
Remember one rule of thumb for addicts is to hang with completely different company than you hung with during your drug use…
Good luck Trey. I’m rooting for you. Ayyy Yiii Yiii Yiii Yiii.
Yea, I’m in the married with children club now and I’m totally fine with that. If they do some Midwest shows I will see as many as possible, because like I told my wife, after this summer’s tour we can have our second child. Because you know like the past 2 summers, touring was limited and we weren’t even able to attend Wakarusa right in our backyard. But things are lined up for this and it’s all good. Love to hear comments from other Phishy parents!!
showmediggler@yahoo.com
Yo, all that y’all are saying is SO true: telepathic wizardry, self indulgence, covens, family (oh yeah, I got family here b—-), blown minds, God and Christ, frizzle schnizzle !
So now a poem from my homeboy:
Scarlight
Scarbright
Who will be my star tonight?
signed - * the purple starfish *
(sorry- is that off topic?)
I would have to say that Phish so much defined my youth.. that the most heart wrenching thing about their breakup.. was the thought that I would never be able to bring my (eventual) children to a show.. and connect with them.. like i did with so many of you.. and let them know what their dad is all about… It was a devastating thought..
I’m curious about what folks are saying re: Trey and a “meeting.” Are you suggesting there was an AA meeting backstage? That he was calling out to some friends in the program?
It’s really dangerous to break someone’s anonymity, however lax they may feel about it themselves. Of particular danger is the celebrity AA, one who regardless of how they carry themselves is percieved as the “face” of AA (or NA, OA, any other 12-step program). If the public (i.e. a suffering alcoholic or addict) is to look to Trey as that “face,” and see him stumble, well, it causes a serious misconception as to the success of such programs (whether or not they work).
That said, (and I’m one of the lax ones!) I do hope sobriety is more than a “phase” or passing interest and becomes a spiritual foundation for him. What was the foundation for those early years, when the music was so spontaneous, schizophrenic even, the attitudes so playful and irreverent (while still maintaining a sacred bottom line)? It was all so tongue in cheek and somehow at the same time, demand the most serious scholarship from listeners and dancers. There are many days a year when I wake up from a dream about the concerts (Mike and his dreaming always resonated with me :), many days when I struggle to figure out why that band did what they did to me/with me/for me. Many days when I want to somehow give something back, or to help achieve that unification that I felt on 6/21/94, or 11/30/95. What I still feel when I dance to Divided Sky or Brother from 2/16/1991!
How do we get there? It has to be a “we,” right? This band didn’t do it alone, and always already knew that. How do we push things forward? I feel as strongly that it’s not my place to say, until I revisit those old tapes and want to demand it.
fantastic article, Chris! Great to see your name in print…er…text again. RMP lives!
Psyched,
- 30 yo markah
I’m looking forward to a more mature audience……more respectful……hopefully everyone has grown up, and is there for the MUSIC! My experience with Phish was there were too many kids around me getting high, and not listening. But I must say, there has always been plenty of people there for the music, and no matter who is standing near me, I can block them out. The music let’s me escape! So, my only hope still is that 2009 audiences are more mature. Well, that, and Phish is still magical!!!
I became a parent as I discovered Phish. My son was born about a week before my first live experience with Phish in October, 1991. My wife happened to not “get” Phish, and so I was able to got to many shows with my friends who DID get it. The mid ’90s were my heyday years with the band and their phenomenal manipulation of sound waves. I was already grown up I suppose, but their music left me with newly formed gills on my neck.
The biggest sadness for me when Trey made the “done” announcement was that I never took my son to see them, as he was still too young for that scene the last time I saw Phish in ‘03. Now he is 17 and taller than I (and I’m 6′-1″) and if all goes well, I will take him to see and hear live Phish this year. I hear Junta coming from his bedroom every now and then, so I know he likes them for his own reasons, not just because I do.
Bring it on! PHiSH at the Gorge in ‘09!
LP
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